The Slow Build

New Reviews at NightsAndWeekends.com Since Last Week:
Knocked Up
Angel-A
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

It’s been another quiet week here in CriticWorld—which was actually nice, since it gave me a chance to catch up after taking the long holiday weekend off. Well, not off entirely, since I did take advantage of the 12+ hours in the car. While I drove, I listened to a new CD that I needed to review. And when I wasn’t driving, I was watching episodes from a DVD box set that I need to review. And then, of course, there were the books and DVDs that I took along to work on while I was gone. I left my laptop behind, though—which, if you ask me, is pretty impressive.

This week, we only had one screening—on Tuesday night. (Actually, we had two screenings—but they were scheduled for the exact, same night. How smart is that?) It was an early screening on the other side of town, which always makes for a frantic evening. It didn’t help that we were almost entirely out of food in the house (except for the caramel brownies that I’d made for the weekend and had then totally forgotten to bring along), so I had to run out in the afternoon to get a few essentials before running home to make dinner, which we then had to inhale in ten minutes or less before running out the door. It doesn’t help, I think, that we’re so out of practice with this whole screening thing. When I have a bunch during the week, I’m way more organized—because I have to be. When I only have one, all organization goes flying out the window. Actually, I was just lucky that I knew where I was supposed to be—and when. Because when I got to the theater and pulled out my phone to turn it off (as all good moviegoers should), I saw there was a message from David, who had ended up at the wrong theater (something that’s been happening to a lot of us lately) and was rushing to make it in time.

The movie of the week was Knocked Up, which was good for a few laughs—more, I thought, than Apatow’s The 40-Year-Old Virgin, which got really old for me after a while.

But can I just tell you how sick I am of the whole pregnancy thing? I mean, over the last year or so, we’ve had around ten friends and family members give birth. And we’ve currently got at least three more on the way. This is especially exhausting for me, since I knit—and since, when our friends started having babies a couple of years ago, I responded by knitting all kinds of baby blankets and sweaters and booties and things. And now everybody expects that I’ll reward them with cute little knitted things just because they decided to procreate. But now it’s not just my friends anymore. It’s not just both of my sisters-in-law getting pregnant, just a few months apart. It’s also all of Hollywood—Brangelina and TomKat and Gwen and Gavin and everybody else, who’ve decided, all that the same time, that pregnancy is hip. Fortunately, I don’t have to knit them baby blankets. But now, thanks to this whole pregnancy fad, there’s a pregnant woman in pretty much every movie I see. Let’s see…so far this year, we’ve had Claire-Hope Ashitey in Children of Men, Nia Long in Are We Don’t Yet?, Amanda Peet in The Ex, Fiona in Shrek the Third, and Keri Russell in Waitress. And then, of course, there’s Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up. Who am I missing?

Personally, I’m surprised that Mary Jane didn’t end up pregnant in Spider-Man 3. Or Elizabeth in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. But the summer is still young.

But really, dear Hollywood—enough with the stories about pregnant people already. You’re just giving the people around me all the more reason to regularly inquire about the status of my uterus, and I’ve had enough.

Next week, things gradually start to pick up again. We actually have three screenings. The summer releases are starting to pick up now—so I’m bracing for the inevitable.

Since this was a one-screening week, I’m going to close out this week’s entry with an extended edition of…

This Week’s Film Critic Discussion Topics:

The big news this week is that Regal Entertainment Group is rolling out a brilliant little gadget that will allow moviegoers to report problems with a movie—or tattle on the idiots around them. The device features four buttons: Picture, Sound, Piracy, and Other Disturbance. Is the picture half on the screen and half off? Push the button? Does the guy next to you have a video camera? Push the button. Will the idiot behind you not shut up? Push away!

We critics have decided that we should each be given our own little device. But instead of just pushing a button and having someone react, we want instant gratification. We want electrodes hooked up to the seats around us. So if you still want to text message your BFF during the movie—even after you’ve been told to shut off your phone already—be prepared to be electrocuted. Repeatedly. By every single film critic in attendance. Serves you right.

If electrodes are deemed cruel and unusual punishment, we will also consider catapults and/or trap doors.