What Day Is It, Anyway?

New at NightsAndWeekends.com Since Last Time:
3:10 to Yuma

This whole holiday weekend thing always throws me off—and I’ve spent the whole week trying to figure out what day it is. But my planner tells me it’s Friday, so I’ll run with that.

This week was a short one, but we still managed to squeeze in three screenings. Tuesday night was another late-night screening. Those 9:00 screenings tend to be ridiculously exhausting, but what can I do? There was no other way to see Shoot ‘Em Up, and I absolutely love Clive Owen, so there was no way in heck I was skipping it.

Then again, my husband was away on business this week, which means that my schedule was way off anyway. I worked until 6:30, at which time I ran to the grocery store to pick up some husband’s-out-of-town necessities (microwave dinners and a pint of coffee Haagen-Dazs) before inhaling a Lean Cuisine pizza and some ice cream in front of the TV before racing out to the screening at 8.

I didn’t know what to expect from Shoot ‘Em Up, since Colin (a.k.a. McLovin) told me a few weeks ago that he didn’t like it. And that says a lot, coming from a guy who will admit to having a man crush on Clive Owen. But, having seen it, I have no idea what Colin didn’t like about it. In fact, it seems like it’s right up his alley—but hey, what do I know?

From the first shot of the movie—the close-up of dark, serious, tough-guy Owen…taking a big ol’ bite out of a carrot—I couldn’t help but love it. Sure, it’s unnecessarily violent, but that’s just part of the fun—that, and its all-out B-movie campiness. As I pointed out after the screening, it was like Crank—only good. It was definitely worth the late-night screening.

As soon as I got in the car, I scribbled down some notes. When I got home, I mixed myself a drink and prepared to write my review. Sure, it was late, but my husband was gone, so I had no reason to get to bed on time—because no one would be pulling my ass out of bed at 7. I had the best of intentions. I was going to crank out a draft and head to bed. But I ended up staring at my computer screen for an hour or two before giving up and calling it a night.

Though I’d set my alarm for 8:30, I woke up at 7:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep. So much for getting my 7 hours. For a while, I refused to get up. It wasn’t fair. But I couldn’t sleep, so I crawled out of bed, took a shower, and started brewing up the coffee.

I spent most of my day staring at my Shoot ‘Em Up review (or at least a blank screen that was supposed to be my Shoot ‘Em Up review (I did, however, have the movie’s title neatly typed in at the top of the page). There was, however, one nice thing about not being able to write my Shoot ‘Em Up review—while I was unable to write that particular review, I did manage to finish a book review that I’d been unable to write for the past week. So there’s that.

By the time I had to leave for Wednesday night’s screening, I still had little more than a few scribbles.

Wednesday night’s screening was The Brothers Solomon—a movie that we knew would be best after a few drinks. Fortunately, the movie was screening on campus, so we decided to meet up for happy hour before the screening. We were supposed to show up at 5:30, but I figured I’d leave a little early, so I could get a good table on the balcony. It’s a good thing I left as early as I did, though, because I ended up stuck in traffic. Why is it that people always decide to have accidents during rush hour? According to the sign on the highway, the accident was, conveniently, right at the exit I needed to take. So I ended up taking advantage of the fact that everyone was merging over to the left to avoid the lane closures, and I took an earlier exit. Of course, this was an exit I’d never taken before, so I’d have to figure out where I was and somehow make my way to campus.

On the bright side, I don’t live in Boston anymore. If that had happened in Boston, I would have been screwed. But this is Columbus. Columbus is based on the convenient Grid System. So if you know the direction you need to be in—and, better yet, if you know a few street names—you’re good to go.

God bless Columbus.

So I was late, but not verylate. When I got there, Jason was leisurely sipping his Coke and perusing the menu. And as soon as the waitress showed up, I wasted no time in ordering my $2 Long Island pitcher. It was hotter than Hades in a heatwave on Wednesday, but we sat outside anyway. It’s probably best that way—because it means we were alone, which means we couldn’t irritate any other customers. We could drink our pitchers in peace while trying to think of some movie—any movie—that we’re looking forward to seeing this fall. I came up with Sweeney Todd and…Sweeney Todd.

Kevin arrived after I did, but he still managed to suck down three pitchers of Long Island before we had to high tail it over to the theater. Since I had somehow forgotten to eat lunch that day, I figured one was enough for me (though I did help him out just a tiny bit with pitcher #3).

Sadly, however, no amount of alcohol could have prepared us for The Brothers Solomon. By about halfway through, I was begging Jason to kill me. By three-quarters through, I was curled up in my seat, begging the characters to shut up. Meanwhile, the guys ahead of us were busting a gut. They were laughing and stomping their feet. Clearly, they were way drunker than I was. But that’s just plain sad. Wanna know what else is sad? As Jason and I were walking into the parking garage, we heard a group of people talking about what we can only hope was some other movie. One of them said, “I’m so glad we went! So many people missed out because they thought it would be bad.”

Jason and I just looked at each other and shook our heads. It’s pretty sad that people are so starved for humor that they’ll even laugh at The Brothers Solomon. And, to name another fine example, Norbit.

Somebody did, however, get hit by a bus, so Kevin vowed to give it an extra star just for that.

There was, however, one [other] good thing about The Brothers Solomon. It was short. So I was home by about 9—early enough to take some notes before hitting the couch to watch Top Chef. Then I headed back to the office to stare at my Shoot ‘Em Up review before giving up and going to bed.

As of Thursday morning, I was officially Way Behind. My Shoot ‘Em Up review was halted at three paragraphs, and my Brothers Solomon review was nothing but notes. But I had to head out to see The 11th Hour at (you guessed it) 11. By that point in the week, I was pretty much staying alive via caffeine drip—but even that wasn’t enough to keep me coherent through Leo DiCaprio’s new Inconvenient Truth. I did manage to stay awake, but let me tell you—Leo didn’t make it easy for me. And that’s saying a lot, coming from someone who managed to stay awake through an entire semester of college astronomy.

After the screening, John and I took a walk down the road to Cosi for lunch. Since I figured I’d probably end up having nothing but coffee for lunch again on Thursday, it was a nice change. And it was the perfect day to sit outside and eat a salad.

After lunch, I spent the rest of the day in an unsuccessful attempt to finish anything. By the time I gave up at 7:30, I had a whole pile of unfinished reviews sitting on my computer. But I had laundry to do, and I was starving, so I just called it a day and went to watch a DVD or two instead.

Finally, last night, I figured out what I’m doing next week. For a while, I was planning to head to Toronto for the film festival. Then, for a while, I was thinking about ditching Toronto and heading to Dallas with my husband for a few days. Now, however, it looks like I’m going to be sticking around here, catching a bunch of screenings and getting up early on Thursday to head to the radio station.

Perhaps it was all of the indecision that was keeping me blocked—because I got up this morning, made myself some coffee, and got to work on finishing those three unfinished reviews, much to my great relief. I was tempted to take the rest of the day and just goof off to celebrate, but I still have seven others on my list of reviews that I was supposed to finish this week. Since it’s 4:00 now, I suppose I should get to work…

The Calm Before the Storm

New Reviews on NightsAndWeekends.com Since Last Week:
The Ex
Provoked
Black Book (Zwartboek)
Waitress
Lucky You

I know that the Summer Blockbuster Storm is coming. I can feel it. It’s like a shadow, hanging over my shoulder. I remember last summer. It was insane. And it’s looming in the not-so-distant future. But for the next couple of weeks…nothing. This week, there were four scheduled—though I only went to three. Next week, one. The week after that, we’ll have two (though only one has been scheduled so far). I figure I’ll try to take that opportunity to get nearly caught up on things. Wouldn’t that be fun?

This week started with a Monday noon screening. In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I hate Monday screenings. I’m busy on Monday. I always have a humdinger of a to-do list on Monday. And Monday screenings don’t help my stress levels. This week, we actually had two Monday screenings scheduled—one at noon, and another at 7. And I knew that there was no way I’d pull them both off. At least the noon screening gave me an extra hour in the morning, but screenings from 12-2 and 7-9? I don’t think so. That pretty much would have meant loading up my car at 11, going from the screening to a coffee shop for a while until I headed over to my afternoon kids’ knitting group from 4-6, and then eating a SlimFast bar for dinner in the car on the way to the other screening. So I just went to see The Ex at noon and called it a day.

For some reason, there were members of the public invited to our noon screening. Only about six actually came, two of whom sat right behind me. Halfway through the movie, the girl behind me couldn’t stay quiet any longer. I don’t know if she was having a one-sided conversation with her companion or if she decided to make a mid-movie emergency call to a friend, but at one point in her conversation, I heard her say—in the loudest whisper possible—“I can’t hear you!”

Um, but the whole theater can hear you, sweetheart. Take it outside.

Other than Chatty Cathy behind us, though, the movie was generally amusing. And it ended with a fabulous Kevin Carr Ending (meaning that someone—usually an irritating character—is blown up, hit by a bus, or subjected to something equally nasty), so we all walked out feeling cheery.

Speaking of Kevin Carr Endings, 28 Weeks Later couldn’t be more jam-packed with them. In fact, pretty much everyone in that movie comes to some kind of a Kevin Carr Ending—usually in the bloodiest, most gruesome of ways, involving eyeball poking and/or blood vomiting. And that’s what we saw on Tuesday night. After it was over, a group of us stood in the theater, discussing our reactions.

One of the guys said, “I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.”

My reaction: “I think I need to go home and throw up now.”

These are the difficult times for a film critic. 28 Weeks Later isn’t necessarily my kind of movie. I can handle a little gore—but a whole movie full of it can get to be a little much for me. There were times when I had to close my eyes for a couple of seconds, just to settle my stomach. So the Going-To-Movies-For-Fun me probably wouldn’t have been all that thrilled walking out of that movie. But the Film-Critic me had to take a step back and forget about my own personal tastes (and my own personal weak stomach) for a while—to appreciate that 28 Weeks Later, despite the unpleasant feeling it caused in my stomach, is actually pretty good. For the gory zombie flick that it is, it’s actually quite good. So while my stomach may not have liked it, my head thought it wasn’t all that bad.

But enough about zombies. Let’s talk about feisty old guys. On Thursday, I once again got to meet up with two of my favorite feisty old guys, John and Clay, and play guest critic on their radio show, It’s Movie Time. This week, though, I had to be there early—because they were taking promo photos for IMT and their upcoming show, Movie Time Classics, and they had graciously asked me to be a part of the picture, as an occasional part of their team.

Since I’m a girl, I spent the whole week fretting about what I’d wear. John is a tux kind of guy (though Clay told him he wasn’t allowed to pull out the tux this time), and Clay is not. I asked John what to wear, and he suggested, in great detail, an outfit involving a black pantsuit and a flowing white blouse. The thing is, I’m a film critic, and I work from home. Thus, my wardrobe does not include a pantsuit. Or even anything that could be referred to as a blouse. I went on a shopping trip on Wednesday and came back empty-handed and panicky, knowing that the black dress that John had approved would end up with Clay spending the next year harping about “Kristin and her fancy dress” right along with “John and his tux.” So, in the end, I brought my entire closet. I wore whatever I had on that morning, which ended up being white capris and the white tank I’d thrown on while doing my hair (a phrase that I use in the lightest sense, though it did involve pulling out the hairspray from the very back of my bathroom cupboard). And I packed a bag that included a blue T-shirt, for use during recording (since I know better than to expose any cleavage—again, a term I use in the loosest sense—for too long around Clay), the black dress, and a black button-down shirt, as I thought we were doing a black theme. I was wrong. We were doing no theme. As is often the case, I totally over-thought this one, and, in the end, was told, “Just wear what you’ve got on.” So I did, for better or for worse.

After the photo shoot (which produced a couple of great shots), we headed into the studio—so Clay could sit back and laugh his deep Santa-Claus laugh while John and I messed with each other on air. And good times were had by all. You can head over and give it a listen at WCBE.org.

While I wasn’t necessarily planning on going to this morning’s screening of Away From Her, John and Clay kept telling me how wonderful it was going to be. And I fell for it—despite the fact that watching a movie about someone progressing through the stages of Alzheimer’s isn’t exactly an easy thing for someone who watched a loved-one struggle with it for years. Not exactly a cheery way to spend a warm, sunny Friday morning—especially a warm, sunny Friday morning on which one has awoken with some nasty allergies. So when I got to the theater and saw that the tiny parking lot was full, I came close to seeing it as a sign. I almost turned around and drove back home. But I didn’t. I went. And it was a rough couple of hours—mostly because the movie is so real—but I made through. And I got to see an incredible performance by Julie Christie, so that was good, too.

And now, I get to take a little break from theaters. Next week is just Shrek. But, since we’ve all been dreading it for months, I’m sure it’ll be worth a few good stories on Friday…


This Week’s Film Critic Discussion Topics:

- Spider-Man, and how it totally didn’t deserve to make $150 million in one weekend. We’re all wondering how much those numbers will drop off this weekend, after people realize that it isn’t really that great. Jason, however, isn’t complaining, since it was his draft pick.

- Kevin was also quite proud to point out that the $2 million that Lucky You pulled in put him in second place in this season’s competition.

Is It December Again Already?

New Movie Reviews at NightsAndWeekends.com This Week:
Premonition
300
The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen)

Lately, we’ve been a little bit spoiled. All these weeks with just one or two screenings have made us soft. We’ve been able to see our friends and family again. We’ve actually gotten (somewhat) caught up on all of our reviews. We’ve even had time to go bowling. So this week hit us like a knee to the stomach.

On Monday morning, something strange happened: I woke up. I’m not a morning person at all—nor am I much of a Monday person. But on Monday morning, I practically jumped out of bed, ready to face the week. I scrambled to get some work done before 10, and then (after a flurry of emails about whether or not the theater was ready for us to show up) I took off to Screening #1: The Lookout, which energized me even more—because I actually liked it. What a great way to start the week!

If I only knew what was coming…

That afternoon, I did my time knitting with the girls. Then, since the screening didn’t start until 7:30, I actually had some time to stop at Wendy’s to eat something and do a little reading before rushing off again. I was well-fed and relatively cheery (if somewhat tired) by the time I made it to the theater, where I took my seat between Mark and Kevin and prepared to sit through an entire hour and a half of Heather Graham in Gray Matters. Now, Kevin and I don’t always see eye to eye. But Gray Matters was one thing we could definitely agree on. It’s bad. Boy, is it bad. So bad, in fact, that Molly Shannon managed to look like the calm and collected voice of reason in the film. ‘Nuff said.

As we walked out, I announced that the next time someone insinuates that I don’t actually work, I will tell them to try to sit through Gray Matters. That was hard work.

So when we arrived for Screening #3 on Tuesday morning, Mark and I continued our rant of Gray Matters while munching on the fresh chocolate chip muffins that Mark had brought (yum!). Little did we know that we were in for something even more painful. Generally, I enjoy smaller indie movies. I’m all for supporting up-and-coming filmmakers. But Flannel Pajamas was not good. After the first scene, Mark leaned over and said, “I have a feeling we’re in trouble.” I gave it a little more time, but by the time the two main characters get married—maybe 45 minutes in—I was hoping that it would suddenly turn into an action movie, and that terrorists would bomb the reception, killing the bride and groom, along with all of their annoying friends and family members. (We call that The Kevin Carr Ending, since he often points out that many movies would be much more enjoyable if they ended with key members of the cast dying in a fiery explosion.) I didn’t like any of the characters, nor did I find them interesting. And when the eccentric little brother meets an early end, Mark and I actually cheered. I’m not even kidding. It’s not often that the thought of getting up and walking out even occurs to me—even if I don’t especially like the movie. But I didn’t really want to waste my time. And the fact that it was sunny and 75 on Tuesday just made me all the more angrier that I spent two very long hours in a theater drinking cold coffee instead of sitting outside, enjoying it while I could.

The whole Flannel Pajamas thing might explain why I didn’t mind Premonition so much on Tuesday night. Sure, it had a few inconsistencies, which Kevin announced gave him a Premonition Hangover on Wednesday morning, and he woke up hating the movie even more. I, on the other hand, was interested enough. And I didn’t hate the entire cast. So I was happy.

By Wednesday night, we were pretty beat—and perhaps just the slightest bit delirious. But there we were—me, Mark, and Neil, settled into the balcony of the theater downtown (which, incidentally, frightened me a bit, as it was the scene of the Number 23 Fiasco). This time, the people around us were almost just as chatty as they had been that night. But there was a big difference: I was trying to follow The Number 23. There isn’t much in I Think I Love My Wife that you really need to follow—even if you want to. And, well, I didn’t especially want to. So I found all the “Oh no he didn’t!”s to be extremely amusing—much more amusing, in fact, than the movie itself.

By the time Thursday morning—and Screening #6—rolled around, we could barely remember our own names, much less that of the movie we were about to see. Or where it was that we were supposed to be. We all clung to our coffee cups (and Neil to his energy drink) as we were told that they thought the screening was at noon instead of 11—and as we took our seats in the theater and waited for the projectionist to show up.

“What are we seeing again?” Neil asked as he opened his notebook.

The rest of us paused before remembering that we were there for a screening of The Host—which wasn’t as good as I expected, after Jason announced on Monday that he’d seen the screener, and it was “Frickin’ awesome,” I believe were his words. I’m leaning more toward “interesting.”

Finally, Thursday night rolled around. By then, we were all pretty quiet. None of us wanted to make any predictions about the next movie, since we knew it was our last great hope of the week. Other than The Lookout, I hadn’t really seen anything all week that was really worth recommending. For those of you keeping track at home, I was one for six. That, my friends, makes for a rough week. But our week was about to come to the perfect Kevin Carr Ending. As Neil once again opened his notebook, I reminded him that we were seeing Shooter—and thank goodness for that. After a week of bad movies, after a week of wishing that the characters in the movies we’d seen would die in a fiery explosion, we got to spend two hours watching people die in fiery explosions, over and over again. And it felt good.

Next week is another slow screening week (which makes me wonder what we did to make the people who scheduled seven screenings for this week—plus the Saturday morning screening which I will be sleeping through, thank you very much—hate us so much). But on Thursday morning, I head out for a few days at the Cleveland International Film Festival, where I’ll be watching all the movies I can handle. I promise to report back with as many details as I’m legally allowed to provide.